Friday, June 12, 2009

Red Flags

Ironically enough, my last relationship started out with the guy (we shall refer to him as PC), my family and my friend Katy and I sitting around a kitchen table talking about red flags in relationships, and how we often don't see them or choose to ignore them until its too late...and we've already been sucked in. So PC asked, "well, what are some red flags that you all recognize now in past relationships, but didn't at the time?" and my friend and I jokingly went off on a lengthy list of things, and as she would say them, I'd immediately follow up with "RED FLAG!". It became quite funny, but now I am wishing I would have taken a closer look at exactly what we were talking about. Over the next couple weeks, "PC" had told me his mom was "crazy", his sister was "nuts", his ex was "clinically depressed", his exwife had "OCD", another ex was "psycho and cold", and was "so cold she'd step over my dying body if we were in a fight and walk away without helping me (this is the same girl he (deeply loved)"...etc, etc, etc. My response was "wow, you sure have had some interesting relationships"..when it should have been "RED FLAG!!".  Now, after we have broken up, he has chosen to use some similar words to describe me, and I was expecting it, as there doesnt seem to be a girl thats been in his life that has escaped without such a label. Even a serious girlfriend that he IS friends with (the ONLY one that he is friends with, but she is married with kids, and he said it took quite a long time for them to build back a friendship, which is only over email as they live on opposite sides of the country), when I asked him why they broke up, he said "she had a serious chemical she was seriously bipolar". I will write another post addressing men who use these terms who really know NOTHING about what any of these disease states ACTUALLY are, and really are being quite irresponsible when throwing them around like a normal adjective. What I should have noticed back in the winter was, who was the common denominator in all of this? The guy, PC.  Did PC MAKE all these girls "crazy/depressed/bipolar/psycho/OCD", or was he just so unfortunate that he just seemed to attract only girls that really needed to be committed into mental institutions, but hadn't been properly diagnosed yet? I am at least civil with every guy I've ever dated...except PC. I am friends with most, but with the exception of him, will at least say hi to the rest if we were passing each other at the mall. None of the other guys seemed to think I was 'bipolar'? I got news, PC...its YOU. When a guy says one thing, does another, and leaves girls confused and upset when its over, and not willing to talk about ANYTHING, thats not being crazy or psycho, thats having feelings and not really understanding what is going on.Its wanting some simple answers. THATS IT.  When a guy uses a word like "space", but still calls every day, and you question why he is still calling if he needed 'space", so he then yells at you for not knowing that "space" meant "space from the issue that broke us up, not space from each other" (NEWS TO ME, I always thought space meants you dont have any contact...but clearly what do I know?) and it was to last ONE week.....then a couple weeks later he said he needed "space" so I waited ONE week again to talk to him, and this time I got yelled at because "when I said space, I meant like a month, not a week, Allison! Gosh!"...only later to be told "space" meant a 6 months to a year. is there a handbook out there I don't know about? How am I supposed to follow along here and know that the definition changes with each conversation, and space one day meant we could still talk, just not about the fight that broke us up, space another day meant we couldnt talk at all, and space the last time was we would never talk again. So of course I am left confused, angry, upset...and feeling like "What the hell just happened here?" and "Can we talk about this?" the answer from PC: A flat out "NO". I need "time". Seriously? Quit being stupid, lets talk about this so we both can just move on. 
I was called 'bipolar' from PC because I got angry at him, said a bunch of things I didnt mean in the middle of a fight, and then felt TERRIBLE about it and apologized and apologized. I will admit I apologized WAY too much. Thats NOT being bipolar...thats saying something in the heat of an argument that you don't mean, and then feeling complete and total remorse for it, and doing everything you can to try and remedy the situation. Obviously it fell on deaf ears and just made the situation worse. 
PC was a WONDERFUL boyfriend while we were together. But I guess the quote from MLK, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy" is completely applicable here. He has been the WORST boyfriend post break up, as he seems to get his kicks out of treating girls bad, calling them names, using them, and doing everything how he wants to do it and ONLY how he wants to do it-with zero consideration for anyone else. The last we talked, he just needed time. For the last three months, all I've gotten is "I need time". Time for what??  We got in a fight. Put your big girl panties on, Lets TALK ABOUT IT, and move on. Get back together, or break up for good and move on, but lets talk about what happened. But according to PC...we couldnt talk about a thing until he was "ready." That is not treating someone right, or considering their feelings. Its being completely selfish and self serving. In my opinion, if you need time, but the other perosn wants to talk, you should at least hear them out. You dont need to make any decisions about anything, and you are welcome to take some time to weigh your options, but at least let them say what they have to say. Ending a serious relationship without ANY sort of final conversation will send most people who need closure into a frenzy. For the last three months I have had a lot to say, a lot of questions that went unanswered, and quite frankly don't understand how you go so quickly from one end of the spectrum to the other (on PC's end). He talked marriage one day and the next wouldn't even answer "what happened" the next. He has had a girlfriend cheat on him (in the worst way) and still wanted her back. His other girl started a relationship while he was out of town for the summer, and he still wanted her back. I got mad and yelled at him and said some horrible things I didnt mean, and I am damned to hell....makes perfect sense to me: He wasn't as into the relationship as he claimed to be, and I ignored the little signs along the way.  Lesson learned., and RED FLAG. 

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