Monday, July 20, 2009
Getting Married vs..NOT getting married
Right after college I had my "crew" of girls, and we did just about everything together. One by one each of them started to get married. The weddings were a blast, and everyone had fun, but things were just starting to be different. Our dinner club had 10 girls at the time (our first dinner was ironically scheduled for Sept 11, 2001...), and one by one each girl announced her engagement, and then we all usually were in the wedding. We had the showers, the bachelorette parties, etc. It was all a very good time had by all. After the weddings, things slowly started to change. Instead of going out during the week AND on the weekend, it became usually just the weekend. It got down to 3 of us that were not married, and we'd all kinda joke about it, and then those two girls ended up getting engaged and married. So, then there was me. The lone ranger. The last one standing. After the weddings, we still hung out all the time, especially during football season, and we all always had dinner club once a month. Then the babies started...and one by one each girl announced her pregnancy. We had the baby showers, and all the fun planning that comes with a new addition, but even more, things began to change. Now instead of seeing each other on the weekends AND going out during the week, or even just hanging out on the weekend, we usually just see the girls at dinner club once a month, and then maybe a special occasion or two. Out of the 10 girls in dinner club, one by one, each had their babies...until it was only me and another girl without children...(but the other girl was married). Then the inevitable happened...she got pregnant, too.
That is the story of my girlfriends from college. I always thought my best girlfriend from high school and 3 of my 4 best guy friends from high school would remain single. For my parents surprise 60th birthday party in Vegas, we all brought a "significant other"...within ONE month of the party, we had all broken up our respective "others". We just were all alike in that we were fairly non commital and just liked to do our own thing. Two March's ago, the 4 of us were in Park City, all single, laughing about how it just always seems to be that way. Now, one is getting married in Sept, one is getting married in Oct, and the last one is in the most serious relationship I've ever seen him in, and don't expect it to be long before he is registering at Macys with that magic gun.
So, once I again all my friends in a separate group are getting married, one by one. I am sure babies will be soon to follow.
I am SO happy for all of them, and the funny thing is I don't want to be where they are. Well, I don't want to be married, atleast not RIGHT NOW. I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with a adventurous, nice, smart guy who liked to travel and gave me the space I needed. (I need my space in a relationship, or I get very clostorphobic, and I am a total committment phobe....but thats a blog for a different time.) What I do want, in MY OWN selfish and perfect world, is for them to all be back where I am...footloose and fancy free. Back when we could all go to the beach at the drop of a hat, or fly to NYC to go shopping, or out to Vegas for a crazy weekend. Unfortunately, those times have changed.
So here is the dilema. I have no desire to get married. None. I like to do what I want, when I want. That may be somewhat selfish to some, but I feel like I want to go and see and do as much as I can now while my only responsibility is myself. I don't think its selfish at all...what would be selfish is getting married and having kids, and then feeling that way...because that would not be fair to my husband or my children. When I get married and have kids I want to be at a point that my they are my primary focus, and right now I'm just not there yet. I have no debt, all my bills are paid, so if I want to buy an expensive item, I only have to justify it to myself. I dont have to feel guilty because its money I SHOULD be saving for college funds, or whatever. In the next month I'll be in Chicago, Palm Springs, Napa, Orlando and New Orleans. I couldnt do all that with a family, and its hard to even do all that with a husband or boyfriend. I felt like a crappy girlfriend when I was dating a guy and every weekend he wanted to come see me I was out of town (scheduled before we started dating), or had plans that I could not change. Its not that I'd have to ask for "permission" from a boyfriend, but it is common courtesy to run your plans past each other...and I don't see jetting off here and there just about every weekend being 'cool' with any guy I date.
Maybe thats just a sign I am not ready at this point to get married, or that I haven't found the right guy. Some girls have been dreaming about their wedding since they were a little kid...not me. I really don't think I'd have any regrets if I never got married...but the problem lies in the fact that I do want to have children. I love my nephews, and I love little kids, and I think if I got to the end of the road and looked back on my life and didn't have any children I would be so regretful of that decision.
In the course of my work, and just everyday life I see so many people that are UNHAPPILY married. I know there are good times and bad, but it just seems like so many people are just not happy to be together. And in my opinion, once you bring kids into the mix, you are STUCK with that person. Divorce is not an option. So give up being footloose and fancy free to feel stuck and unhappy in a marriage? No thanks.
So I've gotten to the point where people make me feel like I am just about the only 31 year old left that is not yet married with kids. This is what pisses me off....when I say to someone "oh, I met a guy, he's 30-whatever, never been married" and they cut me off and say "whats wrong with him then?" AS IF, because he hasn't been married by 32, there MUST be something wrong with him. Um, are you forgetting who you are talking to?? So you are basically telling me there is something wrong with me because I haven't gotten married to someone before now..and if I had, I guarantee I'd be divorced because no guy I have dated up to this point was right for me. So, if you are still single at my age, people either assume a) you are a lesbian (I have no problem with lesbians, but I am not one of them), or b) there is something wrong with you. I wish all the people that thought that way would go to NYC or Boston for a weekend. NO ONE gets married before mid-late 30's up there. I LOVED visiting Boston every summer, because everyone was my age, and single. Same in NYC. It is just the South where there is a sense of urgency to get married and have babies, and if you don't by the age of 30 you may as well join a convent or wear a scarlet letter. I was watching the TERRIBLE reality show "Southern Belles",and the girl said "It is taboo in the south not to have a child by the age of 30". Um...WHAT?! Seriously? What planet are you on? This was the same girl that said she was "obsessed with freezing her face with botox". Stupid show.
Yesterday I went and visited with one of the best guy friends from high school and saw his lovely family and 2 year old little girl, and his wife that is pregnant with twins. They were very happy, and such a cute little family. Then I went to dinner with one of the other guys and he was so happy to be telling me the latest and greatest about his girlfriend, and in 15 years I have never seen him so excited to talk about anyone like he did her. I don't think there is anything wrong with being picky, or waiting until I find someone that I will be as sure as I can be that we will be happy...as we know, there are no guarantees in life, but we can certainly set ourselves up for the best possible situation. So, until "Mr. Right" comes across my path, I intend to keep going anywhere and everywhere, and doing whatever I want. I have a feeling I'll want to slow down after I meet someone that has that something special...but until then, I am HAPPILY 31 (almost 32), not a lesbian, and single. ;-)