Coming home from Orlando

So, everyone has their "pet peeves", or things that just are more than a simple annoyance. I have very bad sleep issues, and when I do sleep I am a SUPER light sleeper, so snoring to me may win the title as the most annoying, grating, unbearable sound that I cannot deal with. When I hear someone snore I literally want to...well, I'll keep that one to myself as its not very nice. So a couple meetings ago I had a roommate (yes, we are grown ups and still have roommates at meetings...which is an entirely different complaint) who snored pretty badly. I would wake her up throughout the night and ask her to roll over, do whatever to make it stop. It didnt. One night I took a pillow and threw it as hard as I could (and I can throw pretty darn hard after years of sports) and socked it at her. She woke up startled and goes "What? What'd I do?" and I said "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SNORING". Needless to say I got no sleep that week.

So this past week I went to Orlando for my meeting and met my roommate (yup, we have roommates and the are also RANDOMLY chosen for us), and as we were both getting ready for bed she said "now I should let you know, I do snore". The chills that went up my spine were as if she just told me she sleep walks, and there was a chance she may end up in my bed trying to spoon me (I also do not sleep in the bed with people...again, a whole different topic). I couldn't even give a polite reply like "oh, its ok", I just sat there silent, thinking to myself "How in the world do this many people snore??" My ex snored so loud I could hear him sleeping one flight of stairs above me. My ex in college slept during every movie we ever saw and snored horribly. The list goes on and on. Anyway, luckily she wore her breathe right strips, and I was so exhausted by the end of the day, I never heard a sound, and she was as sweet as she could be. (Side note: I did have a roommate once at a work meeting that stayed in the room while we all went out and finished every bottle in the mini bar. When I got in after being out in South Beach, the lights were out so I hopped in bed. After about 5 minutes she thought I was asleep, and got up and pulled the sheets/blanket up on MY bed up to my chin and literally tucked me in. I pretended I was asleep as I had no idea what to do...I felt like we were in a scene of Single White Female, and one false move and my life was over. So I let her pull the sheets up while I pretended to be asleep and she got back in her bed and went to sleep. At least she didnt snore, I guess. To this day, my team refers to her as "The Tucker In'er" as none of us remember her name, myself included.) The stories I could tell of roommates at work trips...nuts.

ANYWAY, I digress. Back to my topic of snoring. So I get on my fight to come home and I am sitting in the middle seat. At close to 6' tall, already, I'm not a happy camper. I usually sit in the aisles to put my legs in the aisle when the flight attendants aren't using them. The guy on my right is not just taking up the entire arm rest, but his arm is dangling over into my lap. The guy on my left...well, here we go. We are still in the boarding process and he is snoring louder than I have ever heard or thought possible. I look around as if someone is playing a joke on me (as all my team members were on the flight and know that I pretty much have a meltdown over the sound of snoring) and see nope, he's really doing this on his own. So I figure its just through the boarding process and he'll wake up when the pilot comes on or we start to taxi. Nope. The pilot came on and at that point Mr Sawing Logs over here just puts his window shade down and his chair back. He literally made that god awful sound with each breathe, and on about 5 occassions snored SO loud and hard he CHOKED himself awake and would wake up and look around startled. The first time I loudly said "that can't be healthy" to the guy next to me that was awake and WAY to amused at my predicament. The second time he choked himself awake I looked at the snoring guy and he looked at me like he was confused and I said "Seriously, this has got to stop. I cannot handle it". What does he do? Lays his pretty little head up against the window and back he goes to sleepy land. The next time he does it, I said "Oh my god, if someone doesn't put me out of my misery, I am about to put him out of my misery". The guy on my right (guy in his mid 60's) just busts out laughing, and I am far from seeing the humor in this situation. So this goes on and on the rest of the flight. They make the announcement we are preparing to land and the flight attendant comes through and says "Sir. Sir. Sir" No response. She looks at me and says "can you nudge him to put his chair up?" Um, can I nudge him? I'll do you one better than that....and I took the liberty of smacking his arm as hard as I could and said "put your chair up, we are landing". Again, chuckles coming from the other man in our row, who was about to get his own smack for getting so much enjoyment out of the misery I was in.

The flight was only 1 hour and 15 minutes, which is why it doesn't qualify as the worst flight ever. Had it been longer, it definitely would have. That title still goes to my flight home from Sydney, Australia. More to come on that at another time.

P.S. I got hit on by a married man on this trip. Two, actually. For those new to the blog, see several blogs below to understand that comment.

They DO have post offices in Arlington!

So, as I procrastinate studying for my finance midterm, I thought I'd close out the end of the saga (and I do mean SAGA) with letting everyone know, rest assured, Post Offices, Fedex Kinkos, UPS stores, DO exist in the zip clode 22206, believe it or not. I returned home from my trip to Orlando to have a box on my front step with the things I have been asking for back now for over a month on my door step...and the address label was even written in "PC"'s handwriting, which means he actually MUST have gotten his butt up off the couch, turned the X-BOX off, and found his way to the nearest place that sends packages (which happened to be across the street from his place, as I saw it there when I was visiting), and mailed it ALL ON HIS OWN. So, that chapter of my life has officially come to a close, as there is no reason we'd ever have contact again.

40 Tips to a better life email

I was emailing today with one of my best friends who I hadn't talked to in awhile. Upon catching up, she seemed to think I sounded "down", and said she wanted to send me something she reads every day. I said ok, thinking it was another typical forward. Upon reading it, it was actually one of the most profound emails I have read in as long as I can remember. Here it is...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.

7. Make time to practice meditation and prayer . They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. GOD heals everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!!!) Hey, I'm thinking of ya!

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________.
Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. Please forward this to everyone you care about.

May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more!

There are several points on here that resonate more than others. In fact, I would almost go as far as to say some are "life changing"...at least in the moment. This may be a lengthy blog, as I am going to give my take on the ones I find especially relevant..

1. Take a 30 min walk every day. While you walk smile, as that is the ultimate anti-depressent.

I walk my dog every day that I have him (I share him with my mom)...and I can honestly say there is no better point in my day that when I walk Bailey. We have no agenda, no time limit, no schedule. I let him stop and sniff anything and everything he wants and we just walk until he gets tired and wants to turn around. My biggest concern for that 45 min to an hour is if he is too hot or too tired...I really don't think about much else, but enjoy the environment, enjoy the outdoors, and enjoy my dog. To me, the time with him is the high point of my day.

5. Live with the 3 E's...Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy...

Unfortunately, due to sleep issues I have a lot of days that I just dont have any energy. But I am trying. Some days its all I can do to just get through the day so I can go back and try again at some sleep. But more importantly than that is to have empathy. I do think I am very empathetic towards others, but I have a hard time showing it. I can feel so much for someones situation or where they are in their life, but I just haven't gotten to the point I can let them know. Thats something to work on, and something that I think I would definately grow as a person from learning how to do. Feeling empathy towards others is only half of it....showing it is the other half, and I have yet to get there. I hope someday I do.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

I love the memories I have with my grandpas. I love the stories my grandpa Burbage used to tell me, and how he always called me "Ms. America" whenever I entered a room. I love how my Grandpa Yri always says "well golly gee, is that right?" as if we were watching an old family sitcom from the 60's. I love my nephews-all 5 of them, and how all 5 have their own distinct personalities, senses of humor, and interests. I can find something uniquely in common with each one of them that only he and I share.

9. Try and make at least 3 people smile a each day

I love to make people laugh. I tell jokes, I MAY exaggerate a story or two, but only because I love to hear people laugh (sometimes that takes embellishing the story a little), and usually I have some story about something that happened recently that can make people guffaw like crazy. Sometimes the best therapy for me when I am having a rough time is hearing some one laugh at something I said.

14. Dont waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

Probably one of my biggest pitfalls. I have a tendancy to fear the unknown, and want a "plan"...even when it is out of my control. I have had some rough relationships in the past, and unfortunately have carried much of that into other relationships which ended up playing a huge role in their demise. I need to learn to let go, know it is what it is, and whats done is done...and move on as a lesson learned. Control the controllables, and what I cant control, just let happen. I need to learn that everything that is going to happen in the future is not going to be the way something happened in the past, and stop fearing things out of my control, and just live in the "now". No one knows what is going to happen in an hour, let alone days, weeks or years from now. Just enjoy each moment as it comes and make the most of it, without fearing what happens after that moment is over. I know all to well how quickly something can change and I need to stop fearing that next phone call that something happened to someone, and just live like we've only got one chance to make the most of what we have.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

I used to smile and laugh all the time. I don't think I deal with heavy stress as well as I used to, and I let it get to me more now whereas before I just let it roll off my back. When I am bogged down with school, work, relationships, I have a tendancy to let it effect me a lot more than it should. I need to learn to let things go that I cannot control, take one thing at a time, and just do the best I can at everything else and know thats all I can do.

18. Life isnt fair, but its still good.

I have a hard time even admitting it, but sometimes I feel like life isnt fair TO ME, which is ludicrous. I have lost several close friends, and have had some less than ideal relationships, but I am about as lucky as they come over all. I have a family that loves me, friends that would do anything for me, and I have a great job and can travel all the time, spend a month out west every winter, and snuggle with my dog at night. I have never wanted for anything (but worked a lot of what I have), I have a great house, a great job, and haven't really ever struggled...and it KILLS me to see other people struggle, which I have come to think may be a downfall. I think I spend too much money on people that don't appreciate it, and should donate that money to a good cause instead of wasting it on people looking for a hand out. Lesson learned. Someone I met randomly once said "you only get one shot as this thing called life, you may as well give it all you've got". At the time I just laughed it off, but its so true.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

I need to learn to forgive more. Or maybe forgive, but not forget. I have a tendency when I forgive I ALSO forget, and then get screwed over all over again. I just need to be smarter when it comes to this area...I need to stop holding grudges towards people that have wronged me in the past, but upon forgiveness, know they are capable of doing it all over again.

20. Don't take yourself seriously. No one else does.

I actually pride myself on this one. I used to never take myself seriously, and pretty much laugh at myself at any and every chance I got. I still do to a great degree, but I've gotten more serious over the years. I want to get back to the carefree person I used to be, where I could laugh at anything, and make people laugh at everything. I miss that girl, and I know a lot of people do, too.

21. You dont have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Not a good one for me. I've always been opinionated. I used to want to be a lawyer. I don't feel very strongly about a lot of subjects, but the ones I do, I wont back down if someone challenges my point of view. I will fight to the death, and I need to learn to just accept people have different view points and move on. It doesnt lesson my arguement to have someone that sees things differently...it just means we are different, which, if anything, makes things that much better. Sometimes I forget that.

22. Make peace with your past so it doesnt spoil your present.

Like I mentioned above, I carry a lot from past relationships to current ones, and its definiately hurt me. I am always on the defensive in relationships from being hurt pretty bad in the past, and always ready to run to avoid getting hurt again. I often wonder how certain relationships would have played out differently had I not been through some experiences I have been through in my life. I also think the type of relationship I seek has a lot to do with what I've been through, and certain fears I still carry with me day to day. I think there is a comfort level is dating people that I know won't work out....I need to get over that.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

For this one, the first thing that comes to mind is me being on the OTHER end. People see me with a nice house, some disposable income, parents that have done well for themselves, and assume that I havent had a care in the world my entire life, and everything has been handed to me. I get pretty upset at this assumption, as I would be willing to bet I have been on as rough a road as anyone throughout my life, in dealing with loss and tragedy, but because I dont "fit the mold", people don't think I have been anything but privledged. I am VERY privledged, but I still worked throughout high school and college, and have paid my way since I graduated....but the financial side isn't even my issue. I have lived through a lot, and dealt with a lot, and am still trying to find my way. Sometimes I stumble, sometimes I fall, but so far I've always gotten back up. I can only hope that continues.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

I think I realized this for the first time TODAY. I would say I've been pretty unhappy for the last three months, waiting on someone to change their mind...then it hit me when I was talking to someone else about their relationship...you cant wait for someone else to make YOU happy. You have to make YOURSELF happy. No one can do that for you. You decide what you will and will not put up with, what does and doesn't work for you...no one else does. So if you aren't happy, get out of your situation, and search until you find another one where you are happy again. I cant force someone to decide the time is right to be together, or to be willing to give it another shot...so why waste more time sitting around waiting? It sounds so stupid to me today, when yesterday that is exactly what I was doing.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

Easy. The answer? NO. Neither will HE. 5 years ago I lost a ton of weight over a guy that I couldnt even talk to for more than 10 minutes. He was nice to look at, but thats about it. No personality. 3 years ago I spent my birthday crying to my mom about a stupid boy that hurt me on my birthday. Do I care today? NO. I've been "sad" for the last 3 months over a guy because I felt like I ruined things, and it was all my fault we split up...do I think in 5 years I'll even remember his name? Nope. And finally, that is okay with me.

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

I HATE feeling like somewhere, someone is mad at me in the world. So I agree if someone offers an authentic apology, you should accept it. But like I said above, that doesnt mean forget. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Forgive, but stay on high alert.

29.However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

It goes both ways...as long as you remember its only temporary. In the good times it as important, if not more so, to remember "this too shall pass" than it is in the bad times. Dont spend all your money in times of prosperity, because there will be day that they money isnt coming in like it was before. In the times you feel like you just cant face the day, take comfort in knowing there will be a day you will smile again, you will laugh again, you will love again.

30. You're job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

I think I am pretty good at staying in touch with my friends and my close friends know who they are at all times. They know I will always be here no matter what, and that will never change. I'd be there in a heartbeat for any of my girls, and my guys.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

Sometimes I see my friends with families and wish I was that 'settled'...but then think how I can pack a bag and be in Napa the next day, or at the beach, or spend a month in Park City, and know I couldn't do that if I was married with kids...so when I have that passing feeling of wishing I was at a different point in my life, I think of all the things I can do right now, and all the places I can go, or the things I can buy without any guilt (because its only me I am responsible for, and not a household), and I realize I am right where I need to be. My time will come.

33. The best is yet to come.

I believe that. I think I am being given lessons I need to learn every day to prep me for what is to come my way some day. I feel like I am collecting all the tools in my tool belt so when I get to where I'm going I have everything I need to be successful. I am going to be the best wife and mom there ever was, but I need to find my own way first.

35. Do the right thing!

Sometimes the easiest thing isnt the "right" thing...but I was raised better than to take short cuts. I always think to myself "if my mom or dad found out I did (....) , would they be okay with it?" I am 31, and if the answer is no, I still don't do it.

37. Each night before you go to bed, complete the following statements: I am thankful for......... Today I accomplished.......

I think a key to being happy is finding self worth and value in yourself and what you do. Which is why I know I will have a non profit one day. I will work with kids, encourage girls to get involved with sports, something to that effect. If you arent making a difference, or arent in coming across things to be thankful for, then you arent living your life to the fullest extent. Probably the single greatest feeling of accomplishment I have ever had was finishing my first half marathon. When Stephanie and I crossed the finish line we both started crying, because we had trained every day, we worked towards a goal, and we accomplished it. Setting goals and being able to check them off one at a time creates more value in your life than just living day to day, without direction. One year of working my tail off in grad school has already given me more of a feeling of accomplishment than 4 years of undergrad, because I didnt have to work that hard in undergrad. In the last year, I've learned more than ever, the more you put into something, the more you get out of it, and the prouder you are of your acheivements.

Post Break Up "Stuff" Exchange

This post makes me laugh. Hard. When people get involved in a relationship, over time one person leaves stuff at the others house, and vice versa. Even long distance. So when PC was at my house one visit, I let him borrow quite a few things, including some pretty nice ipod speakers. THEY WERE NOT A GIFT. I let him borrow them on the premise I would obviously see him again and get them back at some point. Now, a gifts a gift, and I don't think you should ever give someone something as a gift that you think you'd ever ask for back...thats tacky. I gave him MANY things over the course of our relationship, and spent an insane amount of money on him while we were together....and he is more than welcome to keep every present I gave him. One example of his selfishness makes me laugh is a grocery store visit. I wanted to help him out by buying him some groceries and healthy food-because all he ate was crap. We went through and filled his cart to the top, and got to the 'protein powder' section. He asked if he could get it, and I scrunched up my face and said "You dont even really work out, and isn't it super expensive?" it was the gallon size of the powder, and it was over like $50. Up until that point I had wanted to buy him groceries, as I hated to see him struggling. When I basically said 'No" to the protein powder (I thought my answer was easily understood as "no, you dont need that, its pricey and we already have a full basket here"), and then saw him put it in the cart, I felt like he was taking advantage of my offer to buy him groceries. He bought the expensive razor blades, huge jars of almonds...all the pricey goods in a grocery. Needless to say, the bill was close to $400...this coming the day AFTER I spent over $600 on taking him to a place to make dinners for him to freeze for the next 3 months. I did all that because I wanted to, he didn't ask for anything, but the protein powder really irked me after I said no to it, and it still bothers me...and if you read my previous post it was a "red flag" that he is a user. If someone offered to buy me groceries, I would get the staples I needed...not random crap that was expensive that I didn't. But, lesson learned and I digress.

So, three months later, the relationship is over, and he has my ipod speakers and several other things. I POLITELY ask for them to be mailed back. I get nothing. I ask again, again, nothing. I have spent more money on this kid in 3 months than he has made in the last 5 years...and he cant get his lazy butt off the couch and bring my stuff to the post office to mail it back to me? I offered to pay for the postage. Nothing. Put another point in the "totally selfish" category for him on this one. I said fine, if you cant get to a post office (even though there is one within walking distance), put my stuff in a box, put in on your front porch, let me know when it is there and I'll have a friend pick it up and mail it to me. Now, this was just an option to show him how completely childish he was being by not mailing my things. He would rather have someone go out of their way to his apartment, go to the post office and mail the box, than just doing it himself is PATHETIC. We may have ended on bad terms, but I did more than enough for him to be able to get his ass to a post office and mail it. Its not like  he is going to see me at the post office, or we have to talk in order for him to get it to me. Of course, he chose option C. Give the stuff to his roommate, have his roommate meet my friend (who he hasnt met before and doesn't know), and have my friend mail it to me. ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? The immaturity in that baffles me. This guy has zero interest in anyone but himself, zero integrity, zero character and lives in his own bubble where he is perfect and everything is everyone else's fault. The post break-up stuff exchange sucks, but everyone has to do it, and he even gets off easy by being able to mail it, and not having to do it in person. Yet he STILL is trying to go through a channel of distribution to get it to me? PATHETIC. He got caught in many lies, and he convinced everyone he is something he isn't, including me. I think he missed his calling...he could have won an Oscar, because I haven't seen better acting since Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men", ironically enough...something is certainly isn't.

Red Flags

Ironically enough, my last relationship started out with the guy (we shall refer to him as PC), my family and my friend Katy and I sitting around a kitchen table talking about red flags in relationships, and how we often don't see them or choose to ignore them until its too late...and we've already been sucked in. So PC asked, "well, what are some red flags that you all recognize now in past relationships, but didn't at the time?" and my friend and I jokingly went off on a lengthy list of things, and as she would say them, I'd immediately follow up with "RED FLAG!". It became quite funny, but now I am wishing I would have taken a closer look at exactly what we were talking about. Over the next couple weeks, "PC" had told me his mom was "crazy", his sister was "nuts", his ex was "clinically depressed", his exwife had "OCD", another ex was "psycho and cold", and was "so cold she'd step over my dying body if we were in a fight and walk away without helping me (this is the same girl he (deeply loved)"...etc, etc, etc. My response was "wow, you sure have had some interesting relationships"..when it should have been "RED FLAG!!".  Now, after we have broken up, he has chosen to use some similar words to describe me, and I was expecting it, as there doesnt seem to be a girl thats been in his life that has escaped without such a label. Even a serious girlfriend that he IS friends with (the ONLY one that he is friends with, but she is married with kids, and he said it took quite a long time for them to build back a friendship, which is only over email as they live on opposite sides of the country), when I asked him why they broke up, he said "she had a serious chemical imbalance...like she was seriously bipolar". I will write another post addressing men who use these terms who really know NOTHING about what any of these disease states ACTUALLY are, and really are being quite irresponsible when throwing them around like a normal adjective. What I should have noticed back in the winter was, who was the common denominator in all of this? The guy, PC.  Did PC MAKE all these girls "crazy/depressed/bipolar/psycho/OCD", or was he just so unfortunate that he just seemed to attract only girls that really needed to be committed into mental institutions, but hadn't been properly diagnosed yet? I am at least civil with every guy I've ever dated...except PC. I am friends with most, but with the exception of him, will at least say hi to the rest if we were passing each other at the mall. None of the other guys seemed to think I was 'bipolar'? I got news, PC...its YOU. When a guy says one thing, does another, and leaves girls confused and upset when its over, and not willing to talk about ANYTHING, thats not being crazy or psycho, thats having feelings and not really understanding what is going on.Its wanting some simple answers. THATS IT.  When a guy uses a word like "space", but still calls every day, and you question why he is still calling if he needed 'space", so he then yells at you for not knowing that "space" meant "space from the issue that broke us up, not space from each other" (NEWS TO ME, I always thought space meants you dont have any contact...but clearly what do I know?) and it was to last ONE week.....then a couple weeks later he said he needed "space" so I waited ONE week again to talk to him, and this time I got yelled at because "when I said space, I meant like a month, not a week, Allison! Gosh!"...only later to be told "space" meant a 6 months to a year. UM...Ok...so is there a handbook out there I don't know about? How am I supposed to follow along here and know that the definition changes with each conversation, and space one day meant we could still talk, just not about the fight that broke us up, space another day meant we couldnt talk at all, and space the last time was we would never talk again. So of course I am left confused, angry, upset...and feeling like "What the hell just happened here?" and "Can we talk about this?" the answer from PC: A flat out "NO". I need "time". Seriously? Quit being stupid, lets talk about this so we both can just move on. 

I was called 'bipolar' from PC because I got angry at him, said a bunch of things I didnt mean in the middle of a fight, and then felt TERRIBLE about it and apologized and apologized. I will admit I apologized WAY too much. Thats NOT being bipolar...thats saying something in the heat of an argument that you don't mean, and then feeling complete and total remorse for it, and doing everything you can to try and remedy the situation. Obviously it fell on deaf ears and just made the situation worse. 

PC was a WONDERFUL boyfriend while we were together. But I guess the quote from MLK, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy" is completely applicable here. He has been the WORST boyfriend post break up, as he seems to get his kicks out of treating girls bad, calling them names, using them, and doing everything how he wants to do it and ONLY how he wants to do it-with zero consideration for anyone else. The last we talked, he just needed time. For the last three months, all I've gotten is "I need time". Time for what??  We got in a fight. Put your big girl panties on, Lets TALK ABOUT IT, and move on. Get back together, or break up for good and move on, but lets talk about what happened. But according to PC...we couldnt talk about a thing until he was "ready." That is not treating someone right, or considering their feelings. Its being completely selfish and self serving. In my opinion, if you need time, but the other perosn wants to talk, you should at least hear them out. You dont need to make any decisions about anything, and you are welcome to take some time to weigh your options, but at least let them say what they have to say. Ending a serious relationship without ANY sort of final conversation will send most people who need closure into a frenzy. For the last three months I have had a lot to say, a lot of questions that went unanswered, and quite frankly don't understand how you go so quickly from one end of the spectrum to the other (on PC's end). He talked marriage one day and the next wouldn't even answer "what happened" the next. He has had a girlfriend cheat on him (in the worst way) and still wanted her back. His other girl started a relationship while he was out of town for the summer, and he still wanted her back. I got mad and yelled at him and said some horrible things I didnt mean, and I am damned to hell....makes perfect sense to me: He wasn't as into the relationship as he claimed to be, and I ignored the little signs along the way.  Lesson learned., and RED FLAG. 

If you are married, emotionally unavailable, or just a flat out jerk, come hit on me!

Apparently that is what is stamped across my forehead. I think its disgusting, but married men seem to love me for some reason. I cant seem to find anyone I am interested in that doesnt fall into one of those categories. Everytime I do meet someone, he ends up being married (without a ring, of course),  a 'player' and not into commitment/monogomy, or just a flat out jerk. I will say it is somewhat my fault, as I am very competitive, and up until the last year or so have only been interested in the "tall, handsome, All-American jock" thats also driven, ambitious and smart. So that pretty much limits my selection pool to about 10 people world wide, and of those 10, I think all of them fall into my previous 3 categories. As my friend Kristy said it yesterday, "IF you are attracted to an a-hole, you are probably going to end up with an a-hole, because they ain't changin' for you." Amen, sister. 

So, my most recent adventure into Married Men land. I was going through the airport and had to pull my laptop out of my bag as I was going through security. I always dress casually when I am traveling, so with the exception of the computer, I certainly didnt fit the mold as the typical "business traveler". The guy behind me made some comment "It sure does suck having to always take that out of the bag, doesn't it?".  I replied with a flat "yup". Now I am by no means a snob, or rude, but I have found that if you give most men that are 'strangers' an inch of conversation, they interpret it that you are interested in them. I think I am the FURTHEST thing from a flirt, and my sisters would both probably say I could stand to be nicer to people I dont know. So back to my story....so he goes on "you look like you are traveling somewhere fun". (I had on running pants, a running shirt, a baseball hat and UGGS). "Um, yea. Should be" (without telling him where I am going, and the point being you could tell NOTHING of my destination by my attire. It wasn't like I was in a Jimmy Buffett shirt, with a lai around my neck and a hat  that screamed I was headed to Hawaii. My mom was ahead of me in line and just turned around in disgust at this guy. For once I was not told "be nice, allison", as she could see this guy was becoming quite the pest.  My mom forgot to take some expensive lotion (or something) out of her carry on, so had to run it all the way back to the post office in Hartsfield to mail it to where we were going so the security people wouldn't throw it away. As I was just sitting on a bench having gone through the line waiting, I notice this man is just standing there. 
A) First of all, lets talk about this man. He was ATLEAST 15-20 years older than me. He was married. He DID, in fact, have a ring on. The more I avoided conversation, the more he tried to talk to me. But my FAVORITE part of all, was he was hitting on me in front of my mom. Classic move there, buddy. Classic.

So mom comes back and she and I start walking to our gate. He was just ahead and turns and says "do you mind if I walk with you?" Neither my mom nor I said anything but just kinda looked at him. I dont remember what we talked about, but he talked the entire way to our terminal. OF COURSE, he was going to the same terminal as us. When we got to the entrance of the Crown Room I said "well, there is our stop, have a good trip" and he goes (again, IN FRONT OF MY MOM, "can I get your number?" My mom looked at me and goes "I am going inside to get a drink before our flight. I'll see you in there" (Thanks for being such an awesome wing woman, mom....rule #1...NEVER LEAVE YOUR WING WOMAN.). So he asked again for my name, how to spell it, and my number. I usually give out my parents fax number, because I have it memorized and I don't stumble when I am giving it out so they don't know I am lying...but after a solid 5 attemps of him not even being able to get past how to spell my name I said "here, how's this. You give me your card, and I'll call you." He said ok, handed his card and asked me for mine. Of course, I said I was fresh out. Ugh, atleast that guy is gone.

So I go on my way and have a great vacation, and am at the airport to come home, this time by myself. I was giving my friend my cell phone number over the phone and a man within ear shot, that was AT LEAST 60 says "can you slow down, I didnt get the last 4 digits and I may like to call you sometime".  Really buddy? Thats how you operate? Good luck with that one. I just looked at him and walked in the other direction. 

Awhile later we are finally boarding for our flight home. As the line to board is just standing there, this older man asks me if I am headed home or just leaving. I say headed home after a good break. He asked what I did for a living and seemed pretty harmless, so I talked with him as we waited to get on the plane. When I mentioned I was getting my MBA, he asked if students ever bring "prospective students" to class with them for the evening. I said yes, but there is a process, and you have to go through the admissions office....but I'd be happy to give him the number. He asked for my number and I told him I'd prefer he contact me over email instead. So we exchange emails, get on the plane, and go on our way. This man was atleast mid 50's, also married. When we land in Atlanta, I turned my blackberry on and the first thing that came through was an email from a name I didnt recognize. It said "It was so nice to meet you Allison. I'd love to come sit in a class with you and then take you to dinner afterwards to thank you for your help". I felt a weird feeling (as if someone was watching me) and I looked over my shoulder and he was one row back, 2 seats in, just staring...and when I looked at him he gave me a wave. Needless to say, when I got off the plane, I got out of there as fast as I could. 

The next morning, I wake up and check a weeks worth of email...guess who found me on facebook. The old man from the flight out, a week earlier. 1 trip, 3 married old men = one good story to tell my friends in person. 

Which brings me to this weekend. I was in Charleston last year for Easter weekend and met a guy at a bar that was with our mutual group of friends. He was HILARIOUS. I literally laughed all night. He asked if he could walk me back to my hotel (with my friends) and we said yes, as a bunch of girls didnt want to walk alone on Folly beach. He asked for my number,  and he entertained me over text the entire drive home the next day. No ring on his finger. No mention of a wife or family. So we started talking regularly and I asked how old he was and he said 34. I asked if he'd ever thought about marriage one day and he said "I WAS married for 8 years". I said "Oh, when did it end?" His response? "It didnt. I'm married. But its not what you think. We do our own thing". SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY. Lets just say I went OFF on him. He still texts me to this day, and recently sent me a pic of his new baby boy. I feel sorry for that kid. In the text with the pic of his kid, I did mention I was headed to Charleston to see my friend this weekend. He asked if we could "get together and hang out this weekend" and I said "are you still married?" he wrote back "yes", then I wrote back "then no." He wanted to know why not, and I said because "clearly you dont know the definition of marriage-it usually involves a ring, loyalty, trust, and not hitting on a girl in a bar, getting her number and failing to mention you have a wife at home." He actually had the nerve to write back "thats just crazy talk. No married men I know act like that." Really? I know one. My dad.  Awesome thats the way guys are these days. Can't wait to say "I do".

Last one for now. First job in pharm sales, and met this guy that was all of the above categories...tall, athletic, driven, smart, ambitious, NICE, funny...you name it. I fell quick for this kid and hard. We talked all day, every day over text, as he lived about two hours from me. We'd meet for lunch half way between us once or twice during the week (he even made me TWO 'mixed tapes'-HA! and saw each other all the time for work meetings. He would call me from wedding receptions, pass the phone around to all his friends so I could "meet" (them over the phone)...I thought he was SUCH an awesome guy. I finally found a solid guy I could trust! This was heaven! This went on for about 4 months. Whenever I asked him what he did the night before or over the weekend, he always said "my roommate and I went.....or my roommate and I....". Call me stupid (clearly I was not seeing the big, red, blinking flag in my face), but out of the blue one day I said, "I know all your friends, all your family, and I don't think you've ever told me what your roommates name is." And he was silent. Thats about when it hit me....I said "wait a second...are you married???" Everyone at work knew we were "together", all my friends knew, and so did his. His reply? "not exactly". I said "you better explain what "not exactly means and you better do it FAST" and he said "I'm engaged". I said "Is your "roommate" your fiance?" He said "Yes, but its not what you think. I dont love her, I am not IN LOVE with her, i got pressured into getting engaged because all our friends were getting married, I didn't want to, I know I made a mistake, and I am calling it off".  I actually did believe that for a split second, because why else would he introduce me to EVERYONE if he thought he was going to marry this other girl? We talked all day, every day, from 7am until bed time? How could he swing that if he lived with the girl? He at least did answer those questions, which helped with the closure part instead of leaving me wondering 'why' or in this case 'how' like the last guy did, and told me he called in the morning after she left for work, and then at night he called me to and from his way to the gym, when he walked the dog, and always when he took out the trash after dinner. She never suspected a thing, and until it dawned on me I didnt know his roommates name, neither did I.   I told him not to call me until the wedding was totally CALLED OFF, but if and when that happens, he was welcome to call me and we could talk.  The next time I heard from him, he was calling to tell me he had a baby on the way. Now he is married with two toddlers. So much for calling that wedding off. I do atleast hope they are happy. Seriously. 

So thats my experience with men up to this point. I think instead of saying "I do", I will keep saying "I don't". 

Music

I have ZERO musical talent. I can't sing, cant write songs, cant dance, cant carry a beat. Thats probably why I would say I have an obsession with music, or a great respect, atleast. I think music is the one thing that can really get to your core, and can connect people from all backgrounds, races, religions, ethnicitys and social status'. What one song means to someone else can be as meaningful to another person on the other side of the world, but for a totally different reason, which I find so incredible. For as long as I can remember, I have been super interested in song lyrics. I never just listen to the song or the beat. That may be what initially catches my attention, but then I go to www.azlyrics.com, look up the song, and see what the songwriter is saying, or the story they are telling. It amazes me that no matter what your situation, what your feeling-whether happy, sad, angry, alone...someone has been there and there is a song out there somewhere that can make you feel like there is someone that 'gets it'. When I went through several friends'  deaths I remember being SO angry because I didnt feel like anyone understood HOW I felt or WHY I felt what I did...and no matter how wonderful my friends were, I still felt so alone in the healing process. To some extent, the same as when I've been going through a break up. But there are certain songs out there that I feel are empowering, speak to what I am feeling, and just let you know that somoene has been there before and they got through it.  Clint Black sings a song that goes "Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory, take you to another place in time, it can even change your state of mind". I LOVE that line, because even just typing it, I remember the very first time I heard that song in college and felt like totally felt the same way about songs. Hearing a song can take you back to a time that was happy, sad, a learning experience, etc. Which is why I have so much respect for people like 19 year old Taylor Swift. She writes every single one of her songs. Not just the lyrics-the music, (every instrument), the lyrics, she designs the videos, etc. I love to write, and I feel like what writing songs does for her theraputically is what I think writing whatever comes to mind will do for me with this blog. Pink is another great songwriter. Its great to have an awesome voice, but most people don't know the singer RARELY writes the song...so I think its even better to be able to put down into lyrics a song that relates to people, gets people thinking (John Mayer "Waiting on the World to Change"), or just touches someone in a way that nothing else could. I love music, have always loved music, and probably will love lyrics. Kenny Chesneys "Anything but mine", Sugarland's "Stay"? You can't get much better lyrically than those. Atleast thats my opinion, and I'm sticking to it. :-)

Men and wedding rings

I have a HUGE issue with men that don't wear a wedding ring. If you commit to someone for the rest of your life, you'd think you can commit to wearing a band around your finger. Its a sign of respect for your wife, it signals all other women you are taken, and its just nice to see it when you know the guy is married. Guys who use the excuse "I don't like jewelry" flat out piss me off, because if you cant get past putting a small band around your ring finger, than you certainly cant commit to a woman for the rest of your life. There is nothing that irritates me more, and will set me off faster than a guy hitting on me, no ring, and then I ask (because it happens where the men are married I have learned to ask, ring or not) if he is married and he says SOME variation of "yes". It could be "kinda", "we're working things out", "we are, but its not what you think"...bottom line is the answer is YES, PERIOD. There is nothing that can follow the "yes" in that answer that will justify the flirting, or hitting on at that point...other than a guy trying to cheat or if he's not, just reassure himself "he's still got it".  Its not totally a one way street, girls cheat too, but they usually just keep their ring on, and don't even bother hiding it. I was at a beer fest not too long ago and a girl had a T shirt on that said "50% single", and she had a ring on, and she was hitting on someone half her age. Total cougar, and we all laughed at it, but it is much more married men hitting on the single girls. GUYS: if you aren't ready to wear the ring, you aren't ready to get married. End of story. 

Being tired.

Being tired sucks. It makes you cranky, crabby, and just not a whole lot of fun to be around. I've had sleep issues for a long time due to a bad back, but luckily they got better about a year ago and now they are off and on. This week has definitely been "off". Right now I am going on about an hour and a half of sleep, and feeling like I have been hit by a truck. My poor puppy is even suffering because when I am up all night I get bored and make wake him up to play. I hate been in a constant fog, and with school and work, I really cannot afford to always be a little out of it, and cranky. So, after two nights in a row, going on a cummulative amount of about 3 hours of sleep, lets hope tonight is a little better!

Traveling!

I love to travel! With school and work, I tend to have to pack it all in on my one month off between each semester, but I have been pretty successful at it so far. December after finals I spend the entire month out in Park city, back in March for a week, and in May I was in Cancun for a week, the Kentucky Derby (which was amazing), New Jersey for a week (not so amazing), Memphis for my nephews baptism, and then on a cruise with my entire family to Key West (SO fun!!!), the Bahamas, Grand Cayman, and Disney's private Island, Castaway Cay. My sisters and brother in laws were there, my parents, 5 newphes, Aunt and Uncle and 3 cousins and we had SO much fun. Its been a hard adjustment to come back and start school again, start a new job (same company, new job) and have the summer heat all at  the same time. I am going to Charleston this week, which I cannot wait for, and then in August I have a half marathon in Chicago that I am running with my friend Erin. I havent seen her since college!! I am hoping to get to the beach for July 4th, and little weekend trips here and there, but I am in school straight until finals in December, which sucks. On our month off in August I have to take an ACE class, which is a shortened class that takes place on Saturdays...so no traveling for this girl. I'm sure I'll find a way!!

Being bamboozled.

This is definately more of a serious post, as I am using this as a forum to get some things off my chest. I don't know how it is that people can come across one way, and then end up to be a totally different person. Is it me? Am I the dumb one who just doesn't see through the BS and falls for the lines and the hoopla? I would like to think not, as I think I am a pretty smart girl with a good head on my shoulders, but this is the second time a guy has completely had me fooled. I thought I met the cream of the crop, the best of the best in the men department. He seemed caring, he seemed trusting, he liked my family, he was very interested in ME (as in my background, my likes/dislikes, where I grew up, etc) and just seemed to be one of the most genuine, patient and kind people I've ever met. We had matching family values, wanted the same thing out of life, and seemed to really both be very driven in the same direction. In 31 years, he was everything I've always wanted, and never found. From the get go HE talked about marriage, and kids, and where we'd live...and for several weeks I was very skeptical about it, but one day it just clicked and I started along with him on this road that he seemed to picture us together on.  Before I even agreed to "date", he was trying to convince me our hands "fit perfectly" together, and where he lacked I shined, and vice versa...as he put it "we were perfect compliments" for each other. We had a very good relationship with the exception of one topic...what was going to happen in May when he graduated from grad school and moved on to start his career. Whenever either of us brought that subject up, an argument usually ensued...because the more time that went on, the more I knew I wanted to be with him...and the more I didn't know how that was going to happen.  I hate the unknown. He was fine with the attitude "I don't know how, but it will all work out"...I was not. I wanted to know HOW it was going to work out. One day things got out of hand and I got very upset and said a lot of things I didn't mean...because it was clear to me that we didnt have a solid plan on how we were going to be together, and I was upset that I had let myself get to the point of being so far involved the only way out was to have a broken heart. We did break up, but even after that day, he was still compassionate, kind, patient, and still would say it would work out one day, just not anytime soon. He was still the epitome of everything I wanted in a man, and he dealt with the breakup (and me) immediately after with dignity and grace. It was a fight a couple weeks later out of frustration that turned the tide, and things started getting bad between us. But, we talked THREE weeks ago and when we got off the phone he said he loved me (and I said I loved him) and he went on to say nothing was completely off the table between he and I, we just needed some time to figure things out and heal from the rollercoaster we'd been on for the last couple months.

In the meantime, I went on a cruise, went to Memphis, went to the Kentucky derby and then hosted the all boys and me shower this past weekend. I wake up Sunday to an email through fb from a girl I had never met, that was forwarded from him saying that he "deeply loved" a girl he dated for a couple months last summer and I was "just that other girl" that wasn't important, and lie after lie about me. I was beyond speechless, because I just dont know how this even happened? How do you go from loving someone 3 weeks ago, to referring to them as "just that other girl" in less than a month...TALKING TO A STRANGER? I have been beating myself up for 4 months thinking that we were meant to be and it was me that ruined everything that one night when I got upset at the idea we weren't going to be together...and all this time none of it was true. No part of our relationship from beginning to end was what I thought it was. The person I met wasn't real, the person I fell in love with wasn't real, and everything he ever said when he looked me dead in the eye about our future was just him being a really good actor. I called him on Sunday and asked him about the lies and to make everything EVEN BETTER, he somehow thinks I 'recruited' this girl from his high school to ask him about me, or flat out made the facebook page up (yet the page has over 40 friends on it....that makes no sense, whatsoever) Since we broke up, I have tried not to call or email him and been unsuccessful, because I flat out miss him. If I had any questions about us, or how he felt about me, I always ended up calling him and flat out asking him. I don't play games and I ask things straight up. So WHY would I hide behind a fake facebook page or 'recruit' a high school friend of his to ask questions I would ask myself? And which one is it, is she your friend from high school that, and I quote he "hasn't talked to in 11 years" (which would make her real, and someone he acknowledges) or someone that was created out of thin air...because she clearly can't be both and he is accusing me of doing both things.  In my opinion, HE may want to get his story straight as far as which angle he is going with before he starts throwing out such ridiculous accusations. How can you accuse me of doing both when at the same time on one hand she is real, and an old friend with a real facebook page with plenty of friends, and the other hand he is accusing me of making of the facebook page myself....I would never do either of those, and if he knew me at all, he'd know I wouldn't. The best part is I have proof after proof that I have NOTHING to do with it, and he still left me a threatening voicemail yesterday. The girl even called HIM and said I had nothing to do with it, and he somehow, someway still believes I am connected.  I think he is upset I found out the truth about how he really feels and is trying to put the blame back on me, but at this point it doesn't even matter. The man I knew would NEVER use threatening tactics to try and get me to admit to something I didn't to to begin with. What I dont understand, and the point of this blog, is WHY and HOW did I not see this side of him from the get go? He left THREATENING voicemails on my phone yesterday to "admit it or else"...this is NOT the man I met, fell in love with, and wanted to be my husband and a father to my children. This is some neandrathal who tries to use scare tactics and is a bully to get what he wants. To quote jennifer Anniston, he is missing a sensitivity chip, which is clearly why he is going into the profession he is going into. When something doesn't go his way he is able to compartmentalize it and move on without even a second thought-he doesnt care who he hurts, who he steps on, as long as he gets what he wants in the end...I guess I'll never understand how I was fooled so badly by him or why he lied to me the way he did. Why even be in a relationship with someone that is "just a girl" to you, let alone talk marriage with her? And to threaten me? I thought he was a lot smarter than that...I could END his career with one phone call or email to his soon-to-be boss, with what he has told me (that he shouldn't have) and things I have in regards to him, but I wouldnt do that, and he knows it.  So how do I avoid being fooled in the future? I didn't see ANY red flags until we broke up. He did everything right, he was the perfect guy...until he turned into a total nightmere.  I did SO much for him (monetarily and physically) and loved him SO much, I just don't understand it. How do you break up with someone and then not even allow them to talk about what they need to talk about to get closure. The girl that was his "deepest love" ended things and never took a phone call or email from him again...and it KILLED him...so he knows what it feels like to just have the door shut in your face after a breakup and he knew exactly what he was doing when we refused to talk to me. So if he cared about me at all, how could he do it? I guess theres my answer.  He didn't. Which sucks, because I was completely taken by him. 

This is the second guy that after we broke up, I was left thinking "I guess I really didn't know him at all".  So how do I avoid this in the future? I'd honestly rather break up because the guy cheated on me, or because of some other reason than be left sitting there thinking "who is that and what happened to the guy I've been dating all this time? How could I have been such a   fool??". UGH. Guys. Sucks.

Throwing a wedding shower with boys

I was up all night thinking of everything I have to do for school and for work before I leave on Friday, when I got the idea to start a blog. I've always liked writing, and thought it would be a good way to voice whatever is going on in my life, process it, and move on..instead of going over and over it in my head. Some days the blog will be funny and silly, others it may be a more serious topic, and others it may just be observations throughout my day that I find interesting enough to share. Today is going to be more of a serious one though, to hopefully be able to get stuff off my mind and on to more important things like school and work and then a great weekend in Charleston with Boo! I've always loved to write, so we'll see how this works out...this may be my first and last blog. :-)

I was watching an interview with Taylor Swift on Dateline (yup, she's 19 and I am 31 and I am a fan..I think the girl is INSANELY talented) and she said if she meets you, you can pretty much bet you'll be in a song she writes at some point.  The people in my life that I write about shall remain nameless (for the most part), but I think writing about day to day interactions with people will be interesting and helpful, and for the most part funny.

So one of my best guy friends asked me to be a bridesmaid in his wedding a couple months ago.  According to tradition, the people in the wedding and/or close friends always throw the happy couple a shower . I was the only girl with 7 other guys throwing the shower, and lets just say I'll never do that again. I had no idea just how "clueless" guys really are. They wanted a "keg and grill out some hotdogs", send out an evite,  and call it a party. Not to sound like kelly Bennsimone on the Real Housewives, but if my name is on the invite as hosting, thats not my idea of a party. So along with finals, drastic changes in work, and a very hectic travel schedule, I took on the entire party by myself, and the boys became the "financial backers" (I still had to pay my 1/8th..they were just silent partners). It ended up being a great party, but I worked my tail off trying to make sure everyone had what they needed (several of the hosts left early to go to a bar...always nice for the ones left behind to clean up), and was drinking some Mich Ultra as I was running around. Needless to say it was much like a wedding-I never got a chance to sit down and eat, and was bed ridden until almost 6pm the next day with a hangover. It was a great  party- we had it catered with lots of great music, good friends, good times, and good drinks...but I'll never throw another party with just boys again!!

Side note: when I was at the liquor store on friday to pick up the alcohol, a lady got out of a taxi at NOON, came in, got a 40oz, paid for it, and got back in the taxi and drove off....is that responsible drinking or just plain sad???